Happy birthday to me!

I feel like a new leaf…I suppose that’s how everyone’s supposed to feel on their birthdays. But, strangely, this feeling of having turned over a new leaf is very different from what I experience every year on this day. There is a calm and peace inside of me that is both novel and exhilarating. So what’s happened that’s new? As I inch my way close to the half century mark I realize that my life so far has had a fairy tale quality about it…I can see the star dust and hear the tinkling bells…I can reminisce the ups and downs I’ve had with composure and without rancour.

As if perched on top of a tall cliff I can see my life go by… a serene onlooker with no wish or ability to intervene. My gaze has become so penetrating that I can almost see into the life of things that have surrounded me and created this illusion of a doll’s house that I have been so busy keeping. The little things that have caused such intense sorrow and the even more minute happenings that have rendered so much joy. They don’t matter anymore…nothing matters anymore. I have arrived at that plane where people or events no longer tip the balance of my entire life one way or the other…Karmanye vadhikaraste, Ma phaleshou kada chana, Ma karma phala hetur bhurmatey sangostva akarmani…do what you have to and let the rest take care of itself…what a liberating thought. Ah! I can breathe freely.

Now I’m able to detach myself from me and understand the meaning of lots of things that made no sense earlier. I have no envy and I have no anger… my emotions are all spent. I’ve loved too much, I’ve hated too much, I’ve laughed too much and I’ve cried too much. I’ve done everything that my mortal self was supposed to have done. Now I only do what I think I should do, irrespective of what the eventual result may be. I live like the breeze, gently shaking the leaves and rustling through the reeds. I’m free from the bondage of wanting…for myself and for the ones I love. Each of us just needs to do the right thing…only then will there be a right for every wrong.

Today I start living a new year…365 brand new days to live before I again sit down and reflect on the course of my life. Right now I’m on keel and the boat of my life isn’t about to capsize. I have the strength to live another day, another month, another year. Cheers!